Archive for May, 2010


As you might now, before I started university,
I had a job at a software company. But I wasn’t
happy at that place.

I think my work was boring and below my skill
level. Also, my colleagues were part of the
problem. It’s not that they weren’t nice people.
Please don’t understand me wrong, they haven’t
done anything wrong. It’s just, they were so
different from me, their way of thinking, that
I just felt so left out. I didn’t belong to that place.

As for my job, I think, the most important thing that
was wrong with it is that I could do anything creative.
I was just adjusting the interface to the new style,
making some templates for reports, and stuff. I mean
pretty boring…. and mind-numbing ,,, depressing.

When I was doing my thesis work in Sweden,
I mean, the stuff I did there, I had my freedom
to be creative, and to find my own solutions to
the task I had to do. I liked the atmosphere there.
Working on the OpenLabs project was fun, and I
can imagine working on a place like that.

So, I have mentioned before, I was
thinking about the story I started a
few years ago. I have also been thinking
about drawing stuff again…

May I take you back, again, to the time
I was coding the BlaatSchaap site, and
think about what it was supposed to
become. It was supposed to become a
place to share thoughts and creativity.

I was going to make a place to submit
art, written as well as graphic. Drawings,
paintings, stories, poems, everything.

Apart from that it was also a place
where we were planning to study
each others languages, and a lot more.

Great ideas, but I can’t make them come
true alone. I need people who want to
co-operate on this. And the interest from
the BlaatSchaap community turned out
to be low.

And yes, even the person who liked those
ideas a lot, yes, Nuky, I mean you, let me
down on this. I guess, this is also the reason
I wanted new people to join BlaatSchaap.

But yeah… then… for me… I had this mind-numbing
job, making me feel exhausted and depressed…
but now I am at university, I want to try to be creative
again…. but I need some help! So people! Move your

I promised this blogspot on facebook,
yesterday afternoon.

This post is related to my previous post,
and it’s about math. How are there
related? you might think.

Well… look at what a friend of mine
once said to me, about thinking. I guess
I need to keep thinking about other stuff.

I mean…. I suck at math. Why? Because in
my previous education, before university,
I hardly had any math. And you’ve seen the
results, I got a 3 for my math test.
(Grades are from 1 to 10, you need at least 6)

The thing is, the moment I understand it,
it becomes ‘fun’. I mean… then it becomes
fun to solve more equations. I mean…
it feels good to be able to solve it.

Ya know…. same goes for the current
BlaatSchaap site. I made that site
after I finished college
(HBO, Fontys University of Applied Science)

I mean… making progess, seeing it to
start working… the satisfaction to have
created something…. feels good.

But then I had this job at this company.
All I did was some stupid copy-pasting,
really, mind-numbing work. That made
me tired and depressed, and the only
thing that kept me going was thinking
about going to University.

Well… here I am, at university, right?
Not saying my life is perfect here, but
this is a lot better then that job I had.

But just looking back, at the time I
coded the BlaatSchaap site. Just coding
all day isn’t enough to keep me happy
either. I mean… it’s only a part of it.
After coding for a while, I really need
some social contact too. Coding too
much at one time makes me feel very

Having said this… maybe I should try
some activities again I once started,
but never continued. Lol. I once made
some drawings, they are on DeviantArt.

The thing is… only a few things I could
draw, and something else would just look
awfull… drawing the same every time
is boring.

Also, I was looking at some story I was
writing two years back. Thinking about
maybe continuing that.


Ya know what? At the moment, I am happy. Let’s hope
it stays that way for a while. As I wrote before, my life
is going up and down. But this is an ‘up’ moment.

Still… I am going to quote myself, something I’ve said
back in 2006, a dark time in my life. Back then, I said
“Sometimes it’s better to be depressed together then
to be happy alone”. Maybe today isn’t that day, but
think about it. Do you realise what it means? If so,
then I guess you would understand why I just said that.

The word ‘happy’ means two things, for which, in
the Dutch language we have two different words.
“Gelukkig” en “blij”. Maybe that’s a clue to what
that quote means… one can be ‘gelukkig’ without
being ‘blij’.

I would also like to quote a friend of mine, who once
said to me: “Being smart is a curse. Smart people think
fast, so they can think a lot. Too much thinking leads
to depression.”

Ya know what my friends, I wish I could show you
the world through my eyes. I wish I could show how
I see the world.

More stuff

This is a continuation about my post yesterday.

You know… in January 2008, I was surprised that
I felt relatively good after all this stuff with Nikolái.
In reality…. I am only starting to realise how much
impact this all had. Even today, fucking two and a
half years later….

Just some facts:

  • On my computer in Beek, there are some folders with his… I just can’t delete them. I should, but I can’t.
  • I still have all the letters he wrote to me. They are in the box where I keep my diary too.
  • Once in a while, I even google his nickname, trying to find him
  • The nickname I use on some sites nowadays…. ‘GromBeestje’ exsists because of him. I should get rid of it, and it’s emoticon in my msn. Friends who have that thing, please delete it! thx!
  • Just look at my Last.FM stats… See the estonian music…. also because of him, but I must admit, it sounds good. Maybe that can stay. Also torchwood and doctor who. great brittish sci-fi series. But he recommended them. 
But that’s not all… I also wanted to talk about what he did to me… I know… I have been blogged about this before, but I don’t think I did it in so much detail then I am about to do.
December 2007, that’s when we met. He left me a message on my Last.FM Shoutbox. That is how everything started…. Soon, he was my boyfriend… he didn’t live very far away, but he said he didn’t want to meet in real life yet. It was a wonderful week… but then… On the first of January 2008, He dumped me on fucking new years day!!!! My heart was broken. But, that wasn’t the end. Not even near the end! A few hours later, he sent a text message, he wanted me back, asking me to forgive him. I was happy again… but this… happened many times…. he dumped me many times, to ask me back couple of hours later. Do you have any idea what that does to someone like me? My heart was broken a million times, but I NEEDED him to be happy, some time after time, I forgave him, until I was a mess, he broke my mind, and I would do anything for him. Anything, including…something I don’t even dare writing in my blog, something that’s even too insane for insane me.  And then he just said… that everyone has been a lie… that he was really a she…. and her last words were “Be happy we never met, I would have killed you!” 
There was this time, I got really paranoid and started researching him on the internet, and found many inconsistencies in what he told me. I had it all worked out that he was lying, but when I confronted him with it, just a few words from him were enough to make me believe his lies again. 
Now, two and a half years later… I see… I am still suffering because of that person.
Also, what does this tell about myself… it’s too easy for someone I love to break me, and if I really love someone, no matter what, even if I know it’s the stupidest thing I ever did, I am not giving up the person I love. See how that turned out last time I did so?

A personal blogpost from me this time.
As you know, I was in Sweden doing my
internship from September 2008 till January 2009.
But did you ever realise why I went to Sweden
for my internship? I wanted to be far away from
home, to look for freedom. That’s why I decided
for a foreign internship. The country, Sweden,
was because my teacher had contacts in Sweden.
I was thinking about Norway first, and go bother
Lars while I was there :P

Yeah, my time in Sweden was nice, and I would
have liked to be able to stay a little longer. But
yeah, the search for my freedom…. well…

Due some events that happened a few months
before I went to Sweden, January 2008, I
suppose it didn’t work out as well as I wanted.
People who have been following my blog the
past years…. (and, sadly, I think only one
or two people have been following by blog for that
long… were did all my so-called friends go?)
know who I am talking about. Just at
the time when I was starting to trust people
again, the person, who was the reason I started
trusting people again stabbed me in the back.
Thanks you very much Nikolái. That wasn’t even
‘his’ real name, in fact, he was a she. Hadn’t I
been through enough shit already????

This whole Nikolái story made me realise how
vulnerable I was… and I lost my faith…

After I graduated in february 2009,
I worked at a software company
for a while. That was really a horrible time, that
I tell you. The thought about going to university,
february of this year was the only thing that kept
me going.

So, now, here I am, at university. I moved to
Eindhoven, and I am living and studying here
for the past months. Why am I here? Most
people go to university to study, to get
their degree. For me, it’s more of a personal
matter. First of all…. it was an excuse to move
out, to live at my own place…. a search for
freedom again. And now I live here, I am looking
for myself. To find who I really am, and not the
person I was made to be. Yes, there has been
a lot of dark stuff in my past, but also things
that gave me strength. That’s also something
I am hoping to find again.

My life has been a long and rough path, but
I am still here. Going on with my life, even
though I don’t know where I am going. My
life nowadays, it’s going up and down.

It’s time to try to espace from my own
prison. To trust people again. There is
someone helping me doing so. You know
who you are ;)  and I do trust you. I know
you won’t let me down, because I know
you know what it means to me.

Thank you for reading this long post
till the end. *hugs* André


Looking at my blogs visitor stats…

It seems, the most popular subject is ‘italian power outlets’…

Just a few notes, after posting the article.

The ‘western diet’ contains more meat then the
optimal amount for a good health. What I am
trying to say, you don’t have to eat meat every
Also, I suggest eating organic food. But even
that might not always be organic. As, I think
it was about half a year ago, pesticides have
been found in organic raspberries in Sweden.
So… can you still believe it when something
is labeled organic? Still… it might be a good idea.
Back to the topic of vegetarians: I can think about
other reasons to be vegetarian, or at least, almost
vegetarian, other then feeling sorry for the
animals. Can you?


The other day, I bought a lettuce. Ya know, sush a thing

with a clod of earth. It’s roots still attached to it and so.
So, when I was cooking, I also prepared my lettuce.
Then I realised, “This thing is still alive, and I am
about to eat it!”
If vegetarians don’t want to eat meat because they
feel sorry for the animals, then, my question is,
“Why is it okay to eat plants?” Is it because plants
don’t scream when you kill them?
I have been asking this question to a couple of
people in the past weeks. One of the answers I got
is “Plants don’t have nerves, so they don’t feel pain.”
I wonder, is this true? I mean, is it really true plants
don’t feel pain? From the time I still watched TV,
I remember seeing some experiment with electrodes
attached to a tree. And when they hit the tree with
an axe, they got a reading on their measurement
devices. So, I beleive plants can feel pain.
So, what’s really the difference between eating
animals and eating plants. They are both living
beings! Why would animals have more rights
then plants? Because plants are so different
from ourselves? Because they look passive?
A plant, it can’t run, it can’t resist. So, why
would that be okay, when eating animals is not?

30 april

Sooo…. I have a good working RSS importer on facebook now.

Sooo…. I put a message on facebook
” 30 april, what’ s up with that date ? “
and waited for replies. I was expecting three answers.
For Dutch people, it’s “Koninginnedag” (Queensday).
It’s the national day of the Netherlands. It’s the
Queen’s Mother’s Birthday.
A few days before 30 april. I was talking to Anna,
who lives in Sweden, on Facebook. She mentioned,
in Sweden, 30 april is Valborgsmässoafton.
That are two events on this date. But noone replied
that to my Facebook question. There was an other
answer I was expecting, and that’s the answer I
received on Facebook: Beltane.
(Spelling variations may exist, but this is the spelling
I found in my (dutch) books… but the english wikipedia
article also uses this spelling, so I use this spelling)
In the meantime, I also asked that question in the
BlaatSchaap Chatroom. Well… more or less… I posted
the link to facebook, and I was talking about it in the
chatroom. So, after I mentioned Koninginnedag and
Valborgsmässoafton, I mentioned Beltane.
Pieter replied like “Isn’t that like that Swedish thing?”
Well… that exactly was exactly what I was looking for.
That question on facebook, was, more or less, a preparation
for this blogpost. Allthough, most of you people didn’t
provide answers to my question.
Sooo…. what have we got? Beltane and Valborgsmässoafton:
What’s their connection? I think this is a good time to stop
typing and wait for some people to give their thoughts about
the connection.
And people, I do expect comments on this one ;)