André's Blog

As you might now, before I started university,
I had a job at a software company. But I wasn’t
happy at that place.

I think my work was boring and below my skill
level. Also, my colleagues were part of the
problem. It’s not that they weren’t nice people.
Please don’t understand me wrong, they haven’t
done anything wrong. It’s just, they were so
different from me, their way of thinking, that
I just felt so left out. I didn’t belong to that place.

As for my job, I think, the most important thing that
was wrong with it is that I could do anything creative.
I was just adjusting the interface to the new style,
making some templates for reports, and stuff. I mean
pretty boring…. and mind-numbing ,,, depressing.

When I was doing my thesis work in Sweden,
I mean, the stuff I did there, I had my freedom
to be creative, and to find my own solutions to
the task I had to do. I liked the atmosphere there.
Working on the OpenLabs project was fun, and I
can imagine working on a place like that.

So, I have mentioned before, I was
thinking about the story I started a
few years ago. I have also been thinking
about drawing stuff again…

May I take you back, again, to the time
I was coding the BlaatSchaap site, and
think about what it was supposed to
become. It was supposed to become a
place to share thoughts and creativity.

I was going to make a place to submit
art, written as well as graphic. Drawings,
paintings, stories, poems, everything.

Apart from that it was also a place
where we were planning to study
each others languages, and a lot more.

Great ideas, but I can’t make them come
true alone. I need people who want to
co-operate on this. And the interest from
the BlaatSchaap community turned out
to be low.

And yes, even the person who liked those
ideas a lot, yes, Nuky, I mean you, let me
down on this. I guess, this is also the reason
I wanted new people to join BlaatSchaap.

But yeah… then… for me… I had this mind-numbing
job, making me feel exhausted and depressed…
but now I am at university, I want to try to be creative
again…. but I need some help! So people! Move your
asses!

I promised this blogspot on facebook,
yesterday afternoon.

This post is related to my previous post,
and it’s about math. How are there
related? you might think.

Well… look at what a friend of mine
once said to me, about thinking. I guess
I need to keep thinking about other stuff.

I mean…. I suck at math. Why? Because in
my previous education, before university,
I hardly had any math. And you’ve seen the
results, I got a 3 for my math test.
(Grades are from 1 to 10, you need at least 6)

The thing is, the moment I understand it,
it becomes ‘fun’. I mean… then it becomes
fun to solve more equations. I mean…
it feels good to be able to solve it.

Ya know…. same goes for the current
BlaatSchaap site. I made that site
after I finished college
(HBO, Fontys University of Applied Science)

I mean… making progess, seeing it to
start working… the satisfaction to have
created something…. feels good.

But then I had this job at this company.
All I did was some stupid copy-pasting,
really, mind-numbing work. That made
me tired and depressed, and the only
thing that kept me going was thinking
about going to University.

Well… here I am, at university, right?
Not saying my life is perfect here, but
this is a lot better then that job I had.

But just looking back, at the time I
coded the BlaatSchaap site. Just coding
all day isn’t enough to keep me happy
either. I mean… it’s only a part of it.
After coding for a while, I really need
some social contact too. Coding too
much at one time makes me feel very
lonely.

Having said this… maybe I should try
some activities again I once started,
but never continued. Lol. I once made
some drawings, they are on DeviantArt.

The thing is… only a few things I could
draw, and something else would just look
awfull… drawing the same every time
is boring.

Also, I was looking at some story I was
writing two years back. Thinking about
maybe continuing that.

Ya know what? At the moment, I am happy. Let’s hope
it stays that way for a while. As I wrote before, my life
is going up and down. But this is an ‘up’ moment.

Still… I am going to quote myself, something I’ve said
back in 2006, a dark time in my life. Back then, I said
“Sometimes it’s better to be depressed together then
to be happy alone”. Maybe today isn’t that day, but
think about it. Do you realise what it means? If so,
then I guess you would understand why I just said that.

The word ‘happy’ means two things, for which, in
the Dutch language we have two different words.
“Gelukkig” en “blij”. Maybe that’s a clue to what
that quote means… one can be ‘gelukkig’ without
being ‘blij’.

I would also like to quote a friend of mine, who once
said to me: “Being smart is a curse. Smart people think
fast, so they can think a lot. Too much thinking leads
to depression.”

Ya know what my friends, I wish I could show you
the world through my eyes. I wish I could show how
I see the world.

This is a continuation about my post yesterday.

You know… in January 2008, I was surprised that
I felt relatively good after all this stuff with Nikolái.
In reality…. I am only starting to realise how much
impact this all had. Even today, fucking two and a
half years later….

Just some facts:

• On my computer in Beek, there are some folders with his… I just can’t delete them. I should, but I can’t.
• I still have all the letters he wrote to me. They are in the box where I keep my diary too.
• Once in a while, I even google his nickname, trying to find him
• The nickname I use on some sites nowadays…. ‘GromBeestje’ exsists because of him. I should get rid of it, and it’s emoticon in my msn. Friends who have that thing, please delete it! thx!
• Just look at my Last.FM stats… See the estonian music…. also because of him, but I must admit, it sounds good. Maybe that can stay. Also torchwood and doctor who. great brittish sci-fi series. But he recommended them. 

A personal blogpost from me this time.
As you know, I was in Sweden doing my
internship from September 2008 till January 2009.
But did you ever realise why I went to Sweden
for my internship? I wanted to be far away from
home, to look for freedom. That’s why I decided
for a foreign internship. The country, Sweden,
was because my teacher had contacts in Sweden.
I was thinking about Norway first, and go bother
Lars while I was there :P

Yeah, my time in Sweden was nice, and I would
have liked to be able to stay a little longer. But
yeah, the search for my freedom…. well…

Due some events that happened a few months
before I went to Sweden, January 2008, I
suppose it didn’t work out as well as I wanted.
People who have been following my blog the
past years…. (and, sadly, I think only one
or two people have been following by blog for that
long… were did all my so-called friends go?)
know who I am talking about. Just at
the time when I was starting to trust people
again, the person, who was the reason I started
trusting people again stabbed me in the back.
Thanks you very much Nikolái. That wasn’t even
‘his’ real name, in fact, he was a she. Hadn’t I
been through enough shit already????

This whole Nikolái story made me realise how
vulnerable I was… and I lost my faith…

After I graduated in february 2009,
I worked at a software company
for a while. That was really a horrible time, that
I tell you. The thought about going to university,
february of this year was the only thing that kept
me going.

So, now, here I am, at university. I moved to
Eindhoven, and I am living and studying here
for the past months. Why am I here? Most
people go to university to study, to get
their degree. For me, it’s more of a personal
matter. First of all…. it was an excuse to move
out, to live at my own place…. a search for
freedom again. And now I live here, I am looking
for myself. To find who I really am, and not the
person I was made to be. Yes, there has been
a lot of dark stuff in my past, but also things
that gave me strength. That’s also something
I am hoping to find again.

My life has been a long and rough path, but
I am still here. Going on with my life, even
though I don’t know where I am going. My
life nowadays, it’s going up and down.

It’s time to try to espace from my own
prison. To trust people again. There is
someone helping me doing so. You know
who you are ;)  and I do trust you. I know
you won’t let me down, because I know
you know what it means to me.

Thank you for reading this long post
till the end. *hugs* André

Looking at my blogs visitor stats…

It seems, the most popular subject is ‘italian power outlets’…

Just a few notes, after posting the article.

The other day, I bought a lettuce. Ya know, sush a thing

Sooo…. I have a good working RSS importer on facebook now.