This is a continuation about my post yesterday.

You know… in January 2008, I was surprised that
I felt relatively good after all this stuff with Nikolái.
In reality…. I am only starting to realise how much
impact this all had. Even today, fucking two and a
half years later….

Just some facts:

  • On my computer in Beek, there are some folders with his… I just can’t delete them. I should, but I can’t.
  • I still have all the letters he wrote to me. They are in the box where I keep my diary too.
  • Once in a while, I even google his nickname, trying to find him
  • The nickname I use on some sites nowadays…. ‘GromBeestje’ exsists because of him. I should get rid of it, and it’s emoticon in my msn. Friends who have that thing, please delete it! thx!
  • Just look at my Last.FM stats… See the estonian music…. also because of him, but I must admit, it sounds good. Maybe that can stay. Also torchwood and doctor who. great brittish sci-fi series. But he recommended them. 
But that’s not all… I also wanted to talk about what he did to me… I know… I have been blogged about this before, but I don’t think I did it in so much detail then I am about to do.
December 2007, that’s when we met. He left me a message on my Last.FM Shoutbox. That is how everything started…. Soon, he was my boyfriend… he didn’t live very far away, but he said he didn’t want to meet in real life yet. It was a wonderful week… but then… On the first of January 2008, He dumped me on fucking new years day!!!! My heart was broken. But, that wasn’t the end. Not even near the end! A few hours later, he sent a text message, he wanted me back, asking me to forgive him. I was happy again… but this… happened many times…. he dumped me many times, to ask me back couple of hours later. Do you have any idea what that does to someone like me? My heart was broken a million times, but I NEEDED him to be happy, some time after time, I forgave him, until I was a mess, he broke my mind, and I would do anything for him. Anything, including…something I don’t even dare writing in my blog, something that’s even too insane for insane me.  And then he just said… that everyone has been a lie… that he was really a she…. and her last words were “Be happy we never met, I would have killed you!” 
There was this time, I got really paranoid and started researching him on the internet, and found many inconsistencies in what he told me. I had it all worked out that he was lying, but when I confronted him with it, just a few words from him were enough to make me believe his lies again. 
Now, two and a half years later… I see… I am still suffering because of that person.
Also, what does this tell about myself… it’s too easy for someone I love to break me, and if I really love someone, no matter what, even if I know it’s the stupidest thing I ever did, I am not giving up the person I love. See how that turned out last time I did so?

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