Hello, this is my first english post in the year 2008.
Lately I’ve been posting mostly in my dutch blog,
but I guess I’ll post here some stuff too. I don’t know
if anyone still reads my stuff, but anyways, a lot has
happened the past month. A lot has happened. It
started all on 20 december 2008, when someone left
me a message on my shoutbox on my last.fm profile.
As usual, when someone leaves me a message, I sent
a message back. And so we started kinda a conversation
over the shoutbox.

That’s how it started, and now I love that person. I love
him very much. His name is Nikolái. He lives like 25 km
away from me. Soon we were madly in love with eath other.
We both loved eath other from the first moment. It was
like a fairy tale coming true. He is so perfect.

But I guess everything was just too perfect to be true. And
soon it turned out there were some problems. Nikolái has
been through a lot of shit in his past. (link) And that past is
interfearing with our relationship. He told me a lot more
about his past. Things that happened to him, and beleive me,
it’s really bad shit. I want to protect Nikoái against anyone who
wants to hurt him. But at times, like yesterday/today he’s so
advoidant. He just doesn’t allow anyone near him. I guess he’s
affraid, affraid of being hurt again. Affraid something might
happen to me. But also, it makes me wonder, is there more,
is there stuff he’s not telling me? Is there something he’s
affraid I might find out about him?

*sigh* Being in love with Nikolái is not easy. But I realised that
since since the start. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I just
love him so much. I want to help him to overcome his fears.
I want to make him happy. I want to be with him for the rest
of my life. I know, it’s weird, saying something like that about
someone I’ve never met. But we haven’t met yet, because he’s
affraid he’s being watched, and get me in trouble if I’m seen
at his place. I just wish Nikolái and me could just meet, that
I could just cuddle with him. I just wish he didn’t have to be
affraid of stuff like that. I just wish he could live a ‘normal’ life,
without having to worry about being watched, about being followed.
Withour being affraid of being seen with people. It’s just crazy
to live like that.

I just want to be happy with him. I just want to hold him in my
arms, look into his eyes, and forget about all problems. Just him
and me, that’s all that matters. But there is just a lot of stuff
happening, stuff happening out of my control. Things I cannot
change. Things Nikolái should take care of. But I’m affraid he
doesn’t have the guts to do so. Yeah, he said he would (link) but
I’m affraid he chickened out again.

I hope things will work out between Nikolái and me. But even
if they don’t…. the past months I’ve experienced true love
and true happyness. Noone can take that memory away from
me. Even if there is no future for Nikolái and me, he will always
have a special place in my heart. I will never forget him. I will
never forget how happy me made me during the past month.

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