People on facebook are spreading rumours about the end of the world. It also seems, these rumours are mostly originating from the Unites States. I honestly don’t think the world will end soon. I think this rock is going to be around for another couple of million years. But even if it ended today, it doesn’t matter. There is nothing I can do about it, so worrying about it would be a waste of time, of which, if the world is about to end, I do not have much left. Live every day like it was the last. If I am to die tonight, I want to die happy and without regrets. The past is gone, and will never come back. The future is uncertain, no one knows what lies ahead. Here and now, this is what you have. Enjoy every minute, every second.

These are the words I posted earlier on facebook. I said, I would post some stuff on my blog about this. Well…. I better do it now before it’s too late. Three and a half hours left, right? lol

When I was younger, I was afraid to die. Dying was my worst fear. I was afraid to go to sleep and never wake up again. My worst fear, to die…

This was the way I felt when December 2005 hit me. December 2005… the most depressing time in my life. Suddenly there, just like that. Actually, I am not even sure why I suddenly was depressed. I have mentioned a reason, yes, but I don’t know if that was really the reason. Maybe it was just part of the change, from the old me (pre-summer-2005) and the new me.

But I am getting way off-topic now. I was talking about, me, being afraid to die, right? Ok. Those of you, who were around in those days will remember what happened next. I found a soul, lost like me. That’s how I survived this though period of my life. I had someone to protect, I was needed. Someone needed me, someone who I would protect…. and if I would die, I couldn’t do that anymore.

Those of you who were with me during that time (or bothered to read my ancient blog posts) of course know, this love wouldn’t last forever… I can start writing some things about love here, but I was planning another post for that. The topic of today is the end of the world, or rather, how, in the past, I’ve been afraid to die.

Yet… what does this mean… to me… me back in 2006… At first it’s like… I had saved her… and she me… what would have happened if… history would have taken a different course. Listen, if you’re reading this, I have no hard feelings, I’m glad we’re still friends today, what I am about to say is what I felt back then, not now, ok? I also felt like… she let me down when she didn’t need me anymore… I felt used… And it was then, remeber, 2006, still thinking I was bi, then my next relation should be a guy… and in the months after that, I started to realise that thinking about girls would actually turn me off. I still wonder, am I gay because I made that decision? Ok, I’m going off-topic again…

The point is…. I did make a difference… back then… December 2005… a long time ago…

And later…. beginning 2008 was kinda a disaster… being played with my heart… not an experience I wish to recommend. I had lost my trust…

My life today… well… I love Joshua. I don’t think that’s a secret anymore. I think it was February or March 2010, when we started talking… That one poem, that really touched my heart. Describing exactly how I felt, still a result of 2008, yes… But Josh… I will protect him with my life. Yeah… we’ve helped each other though some hard times. Interesting to see, perhaps, to see, how love started with depression, in both cases?

But my point is… I know now, I have influenced people, helped them, cared for them, saved them… I have made a difference. I know, if I would drop dead right now, I will not be forgotten. I know, even if I would drop dead right now, I would still live on in your memories. I would not die after all. My ideas still live on. So… I don’t have to be afraid to die anymore… but I still have the desire to protect those I love. To share my ideas, my thoughts. To try to make this world a better place. I can’t save the world, but I want those who I call my friends to be happy.

So, less then two and a half our left in this day. I’ve been writing on this for over an hour? Enough of this end-of-the-world-crap. When I wake up tomorrow, I expect the word to be on the other side of my front door. The world is a pretty reliable thing. It’s always on the other side of my front door, and never failed to be there before, so I don’t expect that to change tomorrow.

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